I was supposed to be writing an update today and letting you know what was going on in the hopes I could clarify delivery times etc but I’ve avoided writing it all day because I just don’t know what to say.
In all honestly I’m having a really tough time - the last 2 months have been the hardest of my life both mentally and physically. I feel pressure to keep my customers informed on the situation so that I don’t let anyone down if I can’t deliver in time but equally I just want to hide away and not think about it. I’ve been absolutely loving prepping for the Christmas range (launching in two weeks eeeep!) and I’m so excited about the next three months and everything they will bring, but I’m aware that I’m also hiding. I’m burying my head in admin and Christmas prep and I can’t bring myself to do any videos on Instagram stories or book any events where I have to show my face.
The funny thing is that while I try to hide and not really talk about it, everyone else seems to have an opinion. I’m too dramatic about it or I’m obviously doing well. I should rest up or I should talk more openly, I shouldn’t drink cows milk but I should eat broccoli, What am I like? That’ll teach me for riding a bike….I totally understand that most of them come from a good and kind place and that’s honestly appreciated, it really is, I know that so many people care and I can’t tell you how touching that is. I’m just finding it hard to process, when I feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water some days, to be told by someone who knows 1% of the situation that I’m being dramatic about it or that I should eat more broccoli, frankly makes me want to scream into a pillow. I also hadn’t realised that every delivery driver, receptionist, taxi driver, as well as everyone you bump into on the street is a trained medical professional on the side, thank goodness I have THEIR opinion’s on the matter! ;)
I don’t want a pity party (I’d really rather we all pretend I haven’t broached the subject at all to be honest) I think I just want to say - I am here. I am listening, I am getting orders out as quickly as possible - with a lot of help, thank you team LAD! I am hopefully going to bring you a wonderful Christmas range and amongst that I am trying really really hard to get myself back to my version of ‘normal’ both my head and my arm.
A closer look
Essentially it’s been a fucking horrible few months, it’s been a bit ‘one thing after the other’ what with the break, the operation, the nerve damage and the results of that meaning I can barely move my arm and wrist at all. It’s been a painful time trying to get it moving again and progress is going incredibly slowly. The whole thing has been very challenging mentally, the trauma of it all happening so quickly mixed with a number of things going wrong… It was like all my worst fears - that everyone ‘promised’ me wouldn’t happen - coming true and having to deal with the repercussions of that. Trying to get used to my scarred arm, which looks like it must be someone else because mine doesn’t have a big scar on it, and the shape of my wrist is totally different to this! - I never realise I liked it so much before! Trying to tell myself that I will have to get on a bike again at some point and that it will be OK when I do….along with a whole host of other anxieties and issues I won’t bore you with.
I’m so afraid of sounding ungrateful and whingy, it’s one of my biggest fears when discussing it all. I know I am so incredibly lucky in so many ways and I count my blessings everyday. I’m surrounded by family who love me, friends who would do anything for me and so importantly - this strange situation should only be temporary for me. I promise - I do know how lucky I am and I’m so grateful. It’s just that at the moment, everything has changed very quickly and quite drastically and I suddenly have an arm that doesn’t look like mine, that’s a bit bloody useless, which is tricky for tea making, carrying things and especially when you knit for a living. I now have to sit opposite my husband 3 times a day while he twists my arm and bends my wrist millimetres at a time until I cry, to try any help me regain strength and movement, that’s still barely noticeable. There’s a huge mountain to climb before I will be better again, and it’s well hard to climb a mountain when you only have one good arm :p …essentially, I feel very confused because this isn’t my life, arm or headspace. I’m not myself anymore, ‘Old Lauren’ seems like a totally different person. She was so much more fun and carefree and capable! I’m pretty sure I’ll get back to her again but for now I just don’t quite know where she’s gone or who this sad, troubled, useless armed person is and that’s been really hard to figure out.
I don’t want to go into too much detail or bore you with the ups and downs, I just wanted to touch on all of this because I’ve mentioned to a few people that I’m suffering and that I’m seeing a counsellor to try and help me find my normal again. Most times I’ve mentioned it, people have thanked me for being honest or for normalising therapy and I feel so strongly that it should absolutely be normal. I just thought that if I explained a little bit and said the words out loud that it might possibly help someone else.
So just a friendly reminder for anybody who is suffering with ANYTHING - you are not alone, there is no right or wrong way to deal with things, and you are allowed to feel however you do….and personally, I believe it’s good to get some help when you feel you need it. Our mental health is so important and complicated why not have some assistance to figure it all out?
Bye for now…
As part of my hiding/figuring shit out I mentioned last week that I’m going down to 1 blog every 2 weeks which means that next week, I’ll miss you * sniff * but I’ll see you the following week (17th October) hopefully with all the new Christmas range (OMG!) I’m so excited about it and crossing everything that you’ll like it!
Take Care Friends